Editor’s Note: Here’s another great story from my ever-so-entertaining sister. I hope you all enjoy this edition of our “Friday Funny”!
Have you ever woken up and known immediately it was going to be one of THOSE days? Yeah? Well, that was me yesterday. I woke up with a scowl, made my way to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I immediately started applying extra bareEscentuals wrinkle corrector to the massive furrow between my brows. I also added an extra layer of my Boots No. 7 Lifting cream. At least I won’t look as angry as I feel once those lines smooth out a little! With my layers of creams in place, I then applied my makeup. Wasn’t happy with it. I did my hair. Wasn’t happy with it. Got dressed. Guess what? I hated my outfit.
Side note: I have two broken toes right now (Yes, there was alcohol involved on a trip to Florida and something about a jet ski injury and then a pontoon injury… I don’t really remember. Point is, it hurts), and I am having to wear flip flops to the office every day. OH THE HORROR!! If you know me AT ALL, you know this is TORTURE. I cringe whenever I see women giving their big toes a wedgie. Sorry, ladies. Flip flops aren’t even meant for dorm room showers. I just can’t. Without fail (unless there’s broken toes, obviously), I rock stilettos to work on the daily. I stand five foot even. So I like heels. Flip flops at the office do not make me happy.
I headed to work only to have the day from Hell. No lie. Stress upon stress and deadlines that couldn’t be met. I threatened to hit my boss a time or two. He apologized and tried to hide from me for the most of the day. I also imagined throat punching several people that I encountered in my office yesterday. I am, for the most part, a very friendly person, but sometimes you just gotta throat punch someone (in your mind, anyway). I also loudly proclaimed at least 3 times that I needed a drink (or two, or three… probably margaritas). Yes, it was that kind of day. The kind where you just don’t feel pretty, your head is pounding, stress level is over the top, just all around misery.
When the clock hit 4:45 PM, my boss told me to go on and get a head start on the traffic. This never happens, which is why I am pretty sure he just wanted me gone at this point. I didn’t argue and I hobbled out the back door as fast as I could limp in my god-awful flops. As I went out the back door, I had an apple core (from my ever-so-filling late, late lunch at my desk) in one hand and my cell phone in the other. I headed to our poly cart out back to discard of the apple core, opened the lid, and threw my phone into it as hard as I could.
Yes, my phone. I stared into the almost empty GIANT trash can at my phone lying in the bottom. I yelled a frantic “FOR REAL?!” into the poly cart. It didn’t answer. As a reminder, here I am — in flip flops and work clothes and stand only 5 feet tall. As if my day wasn’t bad enough!
I tipped the trash can on its side. My phone remained at the bottom. I shook it… hard. No luck. I shook it HARDER. No luck. I tried to tip the trash can up some, but my bad back pinched and my aching shoulder wouldn’t let me lift it more than a tiny bit, and I fell to the ground. Well, I was already down there, and at this point, what else could I do? I got on all fours, Coach bag still in tow, and crawled completely into the (need I remind you, GIANT) trash can.
Yep, there I was, in all my clumsy glory… Nothing but flip flops and bandaged toes sticking out the back, and me, inside, struggling to hold my breath for as long as I could. Actually, being in this position, my Spanx made it nearly impossible to breathe at all. My torture device, I mean… my Spanx bound my stomach so tight that I nearly puked. YAY! Just what I needed. Lucky for me (can I even say that on a day like this??) I managed to grab my phone, and slowly back out without making anymore of a mess.
I crawled out of the trash can on all fours and stood up. I threw my phone in my bag and looked around. It was at this point I realize it’s still not 5:00, and that the giant office building behind me (the one that has dozens of giant windows overlooking our parking lot) is still full of workers… workers with a great view of my misfortune.
Tears welled up in my eyes out of sheer embarrassment combined with the horrible day and I quickly thought to myself, “Think happy thoughts! Don’t cry! What makes you happy?” I imagined myself standing there in a glamorous dress, to die for stilettos, and absolutely flawless makeup thanks to my lovely sister, The Blondeshell. I smiled, reached into my purse and pulled out a tube of pink lipstick that a dear friend recently gave to me, and I applied it to my lips.
Then, suddenly, without any effort, I smiled bigger. I did a 360 degree turn and did my best beauty queen wave to anyone who might have been watching the show. I got into my car and drove out of the parking lot still smiling and waving at all of the windows overlooking me, just in case anyone was watching. By God, if I wind up on the Internet crawling out of a dumpster in an alley, well I’m going to be the happiest, PRETTIEST dumpster diver that Savannah, Georgia has ever seen!! Moral of the story (and really, every story that matters): When you look good, you feel good, and a good tube of lipstick can do wonders for you!
With that said, let me know if you see me on Youtube…